Glee! Glee! Oh yes indeed!

New Year is around the corner and it's that time of year that you would reflect on what you've done or achieved in the past year, and look forward for things to come in the coming year up ahead. And let me get straight to the point here that I will not be making up new year's resolution and you shall not be expecting me to write a blog entry titled '2010 Resolution(s)'. Why? For the simple reason that I don't believe in making resolutions once every year. For me, I personally feel that resolutions need to be done when and where needed and when clarity of mind is at its brightest. Plus, it's kinda pointless to make resolutions when you're planning to break it on the 2nd day.

But I must say that I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2010! It'll be massive. Life-altering. And you know what? I can't wait to get the new year rolling (except for that massive heap of workload. Do you see it? Oh... you don't? It's right there on top of that pile of ssss.... *ehem*).

One of the things I'll be most looking forward to is THIS. And I've already set the balls in motion, taking full-advantage of some new schemes introduced by HR. (Glee! Glee! Oh yes indeed!) I just need to get some paperwork done, one very (very) important signature and I'll be free to start making travel arrangements!

(Glee! Glee! Oh yes indeed!)

And I've been doing some thinking... pondering... questioning the meaning of life(??)... and it led me to ask myself: What motivates me to do this? And I was surprised that it's not a matter of discovering the world, exploring new cultures and making connections with other people. But it's simply because I want to do something that I've never done before. Because... really, that's where all the excitement are.

So, this led me to another question: What are the things that I have never done before but had dreamt of doing? And it became easy for me to recollect all those fantastical dreams I had when I was much younger, and the sort of things that I was very hard-pressed on doing. One of those was performing volunteering work under Raleigh International. Let's name this a call of fancy, which occured to me when I was in secondary school and dreamt of going to Africa and doing humanitarian work. And it was something that I held tightly close to my chest right till I was in university, and now I can't remember what made me gave up so easily. Oh wait... I know... it was because I needed to raise at least GBP2,000 to go on a 4-weeks expedition to Africa. That was a lot of money that I don't have.

And I'm not saying that I have that amount of money now, but I realize that I have been presented with yet another opportunity here, before it's too late (FACT: RI expedition programmes is intended for those aged 17-24. Guess where I'm at?). And even if I can't make it for Raleigh, there are tons of other charity organizations out there that will always need a helping hand. And here I was thinking... Hey! Why don't we just kill 2 birds with 1 stone?

So now I'm considering this: Open Mind Projects - a non-profit organization that helps communities across Thailand-Cambodia-Laos-Burma borders. I'm sure someone out there will be thinking,"Why not do something closer to home?" But hey! 2 birds? 1 stone? Plus... the value of community works transcends currency exchange.

And I want to help a cause that I'm passionate about - a topic that needs a lot of self-reflection - and an organization that is legit and can contribute the most value to a community. So further research is required.

PS: If I do decide to go ahead with this and wants to hold a charity drive, will you help out and contribute? Just curious...

Bad News Came Early

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprise when the one news that I've been trying to avoid has eluded me yet again. Everyone is moving on except for me. And as much as I had tried to convinced myself that I choose to be where I am now, it still pains me to not receive the news. I'm not bitter, but I'm just feeling horribly dissappointed and crushed. But I deserve this... right?

(yeah... yeah... yeah... I'm being totally cryptic today. But if you happens to be working in the same building as I am, then you'd know what I'm talking about.)

So... now what? My only option here is to look forward and move on. There is really no point for me to just sit here and sulk.  I've other things going on for me right now and I need to focus on that. Perhaps it is just simply my luck that career objectives are not top in my priority. I'm pretty much a hippie in the sense that above all else, I strive for personal achievements and satisfactions - be it getting myself tied down to only one man for the rest of my life or travelling the world solo. I want to make these happen to prove a point to myself. So... climbing the corporate ladder is not my thing. The more reasons for me to go out there and find my thing... something that I can be passionate about, instead of mulling over the various possibilities on how to avoid work.  

Ramblings @ 07092009

Okay. Here's a few facts that you should know about me: I have been recently engaged (okay... not so recent if it's been almost 2 months now) and the wedding is set for early next year.

Now. My problem: I don't want to think about the wedding. It makes me nervous like... umm... a heavy lead inside my chest, hammering against my ribcage. I had a stressful time dealing with my engagement to the point that when my future mother-in-law finally slipped on that ring on my finger, I felt like I could finally breathe. As if a huge weight had been taken off my chest, and I was just so relieved that I had made it to that very moment without much incidence that I - okay, and I'm very embarrased to say this but - cried. Wept. Shed tears. Sob. Blubber. Snivel. You get the point right?

And the thing is, I'm not an emotional person in the first place. Ask any of my friends. They often get frustrated at my lack of facial expresion (which is something I've been improving on for the past few years). And you know the first thought that crossed my mind when I cried during the engagement? I was thinking like... "Am I gonna cry like this for my wedding day as well?" Okay. Some people would say, "Hey! It's happy tears! No shame on that." But... I don't want to start crying on my wedding day too. It's embarrasing.

And yes. The wedding is like an impending anvil hovering over my head, just waiting for the cue to crash on my head. It's not the idea of marriage that scares me. It's the wedding itself that I'm afraid off. Being the first wedding in the family (O.M.G.) both of my parents (and aunts... and cousins...) have already formed different ideas and expectations of what they want the wedding to be like. The father wants something that is acceptable enough to share with his (present and future) business partners. The mother wants something whimsical and fun and ... sorta grand. Me? I just want the solemnization ceremony, and a small private dinner party for those closest - which I'm aware will be the least likeliest to happen.

*sigh*

Would it be bad of me to say that... I hate weddings? The more people talk about it, the more I see the elaborate plannings (and yadda yadda crap stuff) that goes into it... the more nervous I get. And the more I feel like running away. And no... you cannot have an opinion on this if you are not getting married, or have a wedding planner, or do not have an absolute aversion to wedding details.

PS: Huh. Would you look at that? My first honest ramblings on this blog!

Bump..

I feel like I've hit a road bump, and my car is a dying old and rusty Daihatsu, and fresh out of fuel, and it won't budge another inch further. And I've no desire to get out of that car and just walk or make any effort to solve the problem. I'd rather sit, stew and grumble and wait for my fairy godma to fly in and rescue the day with a 'bippidy-boppidy-boo!'... and Voila! A brand spanking, ultra-shiny new Suzuki Vitara Sports! (hush you! don't judge my dream car!)... with (gasp!) a full fuel tank!

DramaQueen aside, have to admit that I'm finding it ever difficult lately to motivate myself... for gym, for running, for a good eating habit, for my studies... Ever since I hit that first 10k run, I'd stop training in the park. Tried running on the treadmill but I find it so dull that I have to stop after 10 minutes. And I just started working again, so it gets a bit difficult nowadays to find the time to go to the gym. And when I do make time, I'm just so tired that all I want to do is either go home or sit back with a double chocolate Frap (with whip cream!).

I suppose it's nice to just... relax and not do anything that could make me sweat after all the bunny-hopping activities I've been up to since June. I'm almost fully medicated from the travelling bug.. especially since Ramadhan is around the corner and it's that time of year to just meditate for yourself and well-being but... I still have that craving to go on a trip. Still raking my head on where to go next. Even a weekend trip would suffice.

But for now... I'm very much grounded in KL for the next few weekends. Paintball and wedding this Saturday, shopping spree on Sunday... MTV World Stage concert next Saturday... and going for SkyTrex the following weekend. And in between... well... reality beckons me, and I have debt to pay-off. Bargh!!

An Ode to a Friend

I'm in a reflective mood today, and my thoughts turned to an old friend whom I hardly talked to anymore. And I find it a pity because I remembered having such great conversations with the person, simply because both of us have a lot in common. Music and movies played a significant role and we bonded well discusing over new music, up-and-coming musicians, debating over which movies are classics in the making and which are not. It was an easy friendship that had ended abruptly when emotions get tangled-up.

It was not easy for me to recover from such a loss. It's been a year and I'm still pining somewhat. But for what it's worth, at least it did not end in bitterness, for which I am thankful. I may have lost a friend but I've gained such wonderful memories and had the chance to have known such a person in my life.

~It doesn't take much to make me smile

But you made me happy when it mattered most

Thank you~

Desperate

I feel like I'm grasping on air here. Clawing desperately at something intangible, yet expecting something tangible to appear in my hand. After having an eventful June, I suddenly have stretches of days of... nothing. And I am uncomfortable and uneasy with this. I feel like I should be doing something, instead of stewing away in last night's pajamas and flailing around the house like a wingless duck (and no... I don't mean a headless chicken). I want to get back out there and travel, even if just for a short weekend. I want to go hiking. I want to go camping. I want to go out and play futsal. Just... anything! Something!

BUT... I also know that my attention, energy, presence and credit cards need to stay put at home to handle some... 'details'. And yet, I chose to be ignorant of these 'details' and go about as I please. I am, after all, a fully-fledged licensed Procrastinator. Ack! Somebody should put a leash on me and drag me around KL to do my chores!

PS: Vietnam write-ups are one of the 'details'. Forgive me but I will work on it this weekend!

Idiocy of an Incompetent Driver

I'm an idiot. Particularly in regards to driving. Or... more specifically, parking. Wait. No... I'm an idiot when it comes to driving in parking spaces. So far, most 90% of my accidents occured in relation to parking. (I bet you're wondering how many accidents I've actually had so far in my short lifespan as a driver)

What happened? I crashed the car. No... more like, I scraped the car. And the bumper fell off. Well.. it came off partially and got dragged under the car, and I had to get one of the guys at the carwash to help me get it off completely. Thank goodness that thing is only plastic. No further dents to the car whatsoever. Now... my dilemma is what am I going to tell my parents. Or when should I tell them about it, since they won't be back until Wednesday. OR... I could just send it in for repair right now, and my parents won't have to know about it! (but... but... my gaji!!)

I'm not actually worried about their reaction since they normally would just brush it up under the rug. But I can imagine the onslaught of sarcasm... and I just can't stand it. And thank goodness my brother is not around. I hope he's not reading this. Or else, I'm pretty sure he's going to kill me... all the way from Brisbane. (oh please please please... let him be totally ignorant of this blog!)

Ahh... I think I'll break the news to my dad gently. Over an sms. (^__^) Plus, I have 3 more days to prepare myself for their reaction! I also have my exam this Wednesday to worry about. *sigh* I'm kinda not digging being home alone at the moment. This house is 'noisy' at night.

Oh... by the by... 7 days to Vietnam!

A Forecast: Harsh Landing Ahead

I think I've hurt the feelings of someone very important to me. And I'm not sure how to take it back. Or how I could go back and apologize. For bluntly speaking my mind? Maybe I should've put more thoughts into those words, before spewwing them so senselessly. Or maybe my thoughts and my own opinion should be best kept to myself first. Give myself the time to consider them carefully, perhaps under a microscope or a flashlight, and perhaps to consider its' bearing on other people?

I'm not sure what to do. To go back and to retract my words, I would look fickle and indecisive. But... perhaps, I have been rather capricious lately... flighty... choosing to ignore the facts and reality of my situations... choosing to be naive and ignorant... just to make myself feel good for the moment? I think I've my heads up in the clouds for too long. I think it's time to come down. And I've a feeling it'll be a bumpy and harsh landing.