Ramblings @ 07092009

Okay. Here's a few facts that you should know about me: I have been recently engaged (okay... not so recent if it's been almost 2 months now) and the wedding is set for early next year.

Now. My problem: I don't want to think about the wedding. It makes me nervous like... umm... a heavy lead inside my chest, hammering against my ribcage. I had a stressful time dealing with my engagement to the point that when my future mother-in-law finally slipped on that ring on my finger, I felt like I could finally breathe. As if a huge weight had been taken off my chest, and I was just so relieved that I had made it to that very moment without much incidence that I - okay, and I'm very embarrased to say this but - cried. Wept. Shed tears. Sob. Blubber. Snivel. You get the point right?

And the thing is, I'm not an emotional person in the first place. Ask any of my friends. They often get frustrated at my lack of facial expresion (which is something I've been improving on for the past few years). And you know the first thought that crossed my mind when I cried during the engagement? I was thinking like... "Am I gonna cry like this for my wedding day as well?" Okay. Some people would say, "Hey! It's happy tears! No shame on that." But... I don't want to start crying on my wedding day too. It's embarrasing.

And yes. The wedding is like an impending anvil hovering over my head, just waiting for the cue to crash on my head. It's not the idea of marriage that scares me. It's the wedding itself that I'm afraid off. Being the first wedding in the family (O.M.G.) both of my parents (and aunts... and cousins...) have already formed different ideas and expectations of what they want the wedding to be like. The father wants something that is acceptable enough to share with his (present and future) business partners. The mother wants something whimsical and fun and ... sorta grand. Me? I just want the solemnization ceremony, and a small private dinner party for those closest - which I'm aware will be the least likeliest to happen.

*sigh*

Would it be bad of me to say that... I hate weddings? The more people talk about it, the more I see the elaborate plannings (and yadda yadda crap stuff) that goes into it... the more nervous I get. And the more I feel like running away. And no... you cannot have an opinion on this if you are not getting married, or have a wedding planner, or do not have an absolute aversion to wedding details.

PS: Huh. Would you look at that? My first honest ramblings on this blog!